Category Archives: ulcerative colitis

I Just Can’t

So much is wrong with this country (and of course, this world.)

I just can’t keep up the level of concern over all the things that are wrong.  I know it’s why I got ulcerative colitis at an extremely unusual age (most get it in their teens to maybe their 40’s, but usually teens-30’s.  I was 65.)  It was a poor body reaction to continued stress.

Damned political, alt-right, Donald Trump, what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-so-many-of-you stress.  Stress became anger.  None of it good for my body.

I just can’t keep it up.  Every time I get worked up over another new faux pas of our president, I get diarrhea again, that can go on for days.

I just can’t keep it up.

I’ve dropped all of the Twitter accounts I followed re this.  I have to break myself from checking Donald’s twitter account, or one of several news sources, during the day, to get the latest.  My body and psyche just can’t handle it.  It’s too much, and it just gets progressively worse, and yet, I know damned well it will get far worse before it ever gets better, if it DOES get better.  I can’t focus on it anymore, let alone seek it out/dwell on it.  I have to move past it.  Get back to reading, positive zen-like activities.  Try and move away from all of this.

Might be a cop out, but I have to take care of my health, emotion AND physical.  Obsessing with all this is the worse thing I could be (and have been) doing.

So I’m going to try and break the obsession.  Wish me luck; I’m going to need it, because it’s EVERYWHERE.

Finally, official diagnoses…

Sorry I haven’t been around the past week.  My symptoms have gotten a tad worse, and leaves me not very talkative.

Well, I finally got back in to see the GI and get my official colonoscopy biopsy reports.  (he had postponed the visit 2+ weeks due to a family emergency on his end.)

Just a TMI warning:

Nope, not ‘just’ irritable bowel.’  I wish.

The official list is:

1.  chronic ulcerative proctitis.  That is, basically, the ‘start’ of ulcerative colitis, because that always starts in the rectum.  (I warned you.)
2.  asymptomatic diverticulosis.  (goodbye, beloved cashews and sesame seeds, as well as almonds and basically ALL nuts and seeds…)
3.  First degree internal hemorrhoids.

Yeesh.  The holy trinity of bleeding poop.  😦

So, this is a chronic disease, meaning it is never cured, it only goes into remission, if I am lucky and my body can handle the medication.  (I have a pretty less-than-stellar history with meds.)  I’m on 2-3 months of nightly suppositories.  HOPEFULLY I can handle that, as rotten as it sounds.  (it could’ve been SO SO much worse though.  I realize that…)

He then said, ‘if that clears it up/your symptoms up, then you will have a choice.  To stay on them and move to a maintenance regime, or roll the dice and stop using them all together and hope it doesn’t reoccur.’

Um, if the medicine works and I can tolerate it enough that it doesn’t cause unbearable problems, I’m on that shit for LIFE.  Let me tell you.  The prospect of sticking something up my ass 2-3 times a week for my remaining life is of course not ideal, but it beats the alternative, because when this returns/flares, it is always worse.  And higher up, starting to affect the entire colon.

Saturday, figuring from my newer symptoms that this was going to be the case, and researching, I (once again) gave up grains.  And sugar.  And alcohol.  And now also dairy.  And caffeine (oh, an occasional glass of iced tea I don’t think will hurt me.  But by no means daily.)  And now, as of last night, nuts and seeds too.

I start the medicine tonight.

Yay. Joy.  Can’t wait.

Still, not feeling very talkative. I have to wrap my head around this change, and work seriously hard on anxiety (about meds not being tolerable) and some mild depression.  I don’t know what my blogging will be like in the next couple of weeks…either here or visiting you.  I seem to just want to crawl into my proverbial cave, and watch TV / read.  😦

Anyhow, I seriously think this came about because I was over 2 years mostly grain free and sugar free, and when I STUPIDLY came off the plan, over the past 1.5 years, by body progressively rebelled.  Until it got to this point.  Well now, the thought of grains, dairy, or alcohol means serious, serious problems.  Up to and possibly including losing my entire colon and having a ‘bag’ for life.  No thank you.  I’m FINALLY listening to my body and altering my course appropriately.

AT least I know doing this, I’ll be back to a good normal weight by Thanksgiving.  🙂  Silver lining and all.

So that’s where I stand.  I appreciate your support.  I will try to drag my psyche out of the cave and out and about here and in the blog world more often.  Stop wallowing in self pity and fear.  THAT is bad for UC/UP as well.  And I realize it could’ve been SO.MUCH.WORSE.

Love you guys!

eta:  well, I see I’ve lost one follower since this post.  Okay….